my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
