I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
