hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You're like the curious george of whores
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My dick has a subreddit
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
