Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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