You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
