You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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