so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
