My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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