My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I didn't notice because vodka
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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