I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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