eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
