Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
