i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
