if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize