Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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