Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
