I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
