i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
