Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
