just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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