so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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