She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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