dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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