there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
