i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
