plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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