No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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