he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
