my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
