You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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