Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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