Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
