Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
