2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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