I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
