so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
