I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
