I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
