I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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