Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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