I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize