non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
