I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
