Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
