I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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