Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need water and some morals
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
