there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
