dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
