Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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