Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
