So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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