saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
