That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
