Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
