I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
