I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dear god my vagina.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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