Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
