i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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