the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
