so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
