Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's shark week go big or go home
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
