My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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