At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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