Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Randomize
