sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
